I am displaced.

If I disappeared tomorrow,
most people wouldn't even notice.
I'm not saying this is my situation,
but just how bad do things have to get
for others to notice or care?
And how much time has to pass
before someone misses you?
I'm in a total gray phase right now.
I've been fine, trying to keep myself busy
and preoccupied with writing, photography, Italian,
music, painting, movies and reading.
But after awhile,
it's not enough.
I'm beyond lonely,
despite all of my efforts.

Faded from the winter.

When you're little, you love the snow.
Winter is this magical time of year
that turns the whole world into a fluffy white playground.
Once you get older and start driving...
snow is just a huge inconvenience
and basically, a major pain in the ass.
This winter started out so slow,
but now it's living up to it's highly irritating reputation.
If I had the money,
I'd take a snowboarding in a heartbeat
in hopes I'd actually develop
some sort of strange infatuation with the season.

A nation full of dumbells.

So I was reading some of my classmates' writing samples
from my fiction class the other night
and I was shocked.
These people had horrible grammar,
awful spelling and just seemed to lack
common writing sense.
I know that probably seems rude,
but if you're going to take a second year english course-
know your shit.

The bird that you can't see.

I love the smell of a freshly-peeled clementine.
I take pictures of my dogs while they're sleeping.
I've had sex in the woods.
While it was raining.
I'm not above peeing outside if the nearest bathroom is really far away.
I've fantasized about my doctor.
I can be really sweet when I want to be.
In fact, when I really like someone-
it's inevitable.
I have a thing for guys with tattoos, a few piercings & brown eyes.
Sometimes I don't feel equal to others,
I'm either better or worse.
I love taking naps.
I'm pretty good with interior decorating.
I have more potential than a lot of people I know.

Chasing you.

Everlasting yet reaching the end
could you define this
Cause I know that I won't
be relieved with closure, closure
Closure that never came
never will
I can’t deny this
Though denial is all that could bring you closer
Farewell to a bitter heart, a bitter soul,
the bitter love out of control
But I could never be through with chasing you
You bring me peace
or you piece me apart
I can’t decide which
Either way it could only be found
if I dig down, dig down
So I dig down and still at it now
comin up empty handed
Only you could fill this crater I’ve dug now
So farewell to a bitter heart,
a bitter soul, the bitter love out of control
But I could never be through with chasing you
Farewell to a bitter heart,
a bitter soul, the bitter love
but you know I won't be through
with chasing you
[Nural]

She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me."

How, just HOW is it that my uncle, whom I was never extremely close to, passes away and it apparently fucks me up emotionally? I've been totally off the past few days and that's the only thing I can think of that initiated this sense of... whatever the fuck it is. I'm entirely disoriented. To the point where I can't focus enough to do my homework and I can't actually think about what's bothering me without bursting into tears. It was not that bad before. I don't understand. Maybe it's that no one ever asked me "Hey Renee, are you okay?" No one EVER asks me if I'm okay. Supposedly, I'm pretty good at hiding it. Or maybe it's just that no one really gives a shit. I won't lie, there's some people I know, that it won't bother me if they're having a bad day- I have my own shit to deal with. So I definitely understand if some people are that way with me, it makes sense and is only fair. But there has to be someone, other than your family, that cares. That really truly,genuinely fucking cares. I couldn't help but think of Ani Difranco's lyrics today, as I sat in my car trying not to cry.
who's gonna give a shit
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel
It's like after you turn eighteen, you stop worrying about anyone other than yourself. I'm not above that, I know I can be self-centered. But there are people [though very few right now] that I would listen to for hours if that's what they needed. I'm just sick of finding dead-ends. I was beyond pissed today. I hated almost everyone. I felt only a tiny bit better after working out, but just barely.
When people would talk about becoming an adult... they forgot to mention this part. No one warned me about how fucking alone I'd feel. How, unless you have close friends you've had for a long time or a significant other, you're screwed. Your parents have each other, siblings have their significant others. You're no longer anyone's number one priority. Friends used to get on my case if I said I wish I had a boyfriend. But I just want to be important to someone. I want someone to make me feel safe when I feel so fucking small. It's hard to go from having your parents be able to make you feel that way, to feeling like no one would even notice if you disappeared all of the sudden.
I know I'm rambling, but I don't care. I've had it. People have let me down, I've let myself down and I'm not getting any relief from this and it's getting to me in a big way. I'm going to try to get some sleep and hopefully by some act of God, things won't be so bad in the morning.

God you've got the strangest sense of humor.

I'm used to "miserable"
I've adapted to disliking myself every single moment of every single day.
I've gotten comfortable with "alone"
In the past week I've gone from being elated to be back at school and ready for classes, to holing myself up in my dorm room with the first season of Grey's Anatomy and movies I borrowed from my older brother's girlfriend. Sure, within that week Rolin and Hannah broke up and my Uncle Carl died. So being a tiny bit unhappy isn't completely uncalled for. But the only time in the past week that I've felt somewhat alive was today in my classes.
I laughed.
A lot.
And felt smart.
And useful.
But now I'm back to feeling diseased and worthless. Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I know this is temporary and this is just barely the beginning of my life. How many people do I still talk to that I hung out with two years ago? About none. So why am I worrying? The people I need and want will show up when they're supposed to. Until then, I'm trying to figure this out on my own.
And if the only time I'm happy is in my classes...
then so be it.
It's better than nothing at all.

Darling, disasters help you grow.

It's nights like this
when I want to write,
I feel like I need to write,
but I can't seem to come up with content.
I do know that right now,
I'm wanting something so badly it aches.
Trouble is,
I'm not completely sure what that something is.
Sometimes, I think it's a relationship.
Sometimes, I think it's friendship.
Sometimes, I think it's a healthy self-image.
But then, when I seem to get close to having one or all of the above...
that hole is still there.
I can't remember the last time I felt completely whole.
Yes, I've been a LOT happier in the past two weeks or so,
than I have been in months.
But instead of feeling like I'm really "happy"
it's as though I'm on the verge.
Well guess what?
I'm sick of on the verge.
I deserve the whole feeling.
I'm sick of only anticipation,
I want gratification.
I don't want anymore maybe's or possibly's.
I want the "Hey, I'm here and this is really happening."
Earlier today I watched
Pan's Labrinyth.
It was an absolutely amazing movie.
Disturbing and dream-like at the same time.
But I sort of felt bereft after it was over,
as if it weren't enough.
It was so good that I wasn't satisfied.
Needless to say,
go see the movie.

Make like a door and shut up.

I hate that I'm doing so well
and yet, I don't have anyone to share that with.
It's always about everyone else
and damn it, I want someone to listen to me.
Friends are supposed to care about your well-being.
They're supposed to want to hear about your life.
I do care about my friends and I do want to hear about their lives.
But hello, what ever happened to reciprocating that?
I'm trying to be forgiving,
say that they don't know any better.
After awhile though, it's like okay, ENOUGH.
And I don't even mean being serious all the time-
I'm talking about I don't even get a simple
"Hey, what's going on in YOUR life?"
It's so frustrating because people sometimes think of me
as this depressed person...
Though now that I'm doing so much better,
no one's around, or they're too self-involved with their own stuff.
I'm so fucking loyal and I feel under-appreciated.

I got your back,
now you better have mine.
[Ani Difranco]

Hey kid, you've got a lot of potential!

Okay, you know you're obsessed with a band/song
when you go to YOUR OWN MYSPACE
and rock out.
Yes, I have All Time Low on my itunes.
But there's just something about opening
up a webpage and hearing those first lines,
followed by that super awesome guitar riff.
What can I say?
They're just that fucking good.
Seriously, I LOVE how pathetic I am.
And by pathetic, I do mean incredibly, incredibly cool.

In a romantic fashion.

When I was younger, I used to write myself into these fantastic stories. Regardless of how completely unrealistic they were, they made me happy as I wrote and re-read them. Of course, I always got the guy. And he was always nothing short of amazing. But what most people don't realize... my concept of "amazing" probably isn't all that amazing to others. Think about it. One person's perception of attractive, can be totally different than the next's. That's why there are so very many people out there in happy relationships. That is why I don't have a boyfriend right now. And honestly, I really am okay with that. In the end, I don't feel like dating someone I'm "Ehhh, they're okay" about. I just haven't met anyone that I have "chemistry" with. Now if someone were to ask me what my exact type of guy is, I couldn't give them a blueprint. This may be one of my strangest analogies yet, but the guys I like are similar to the clothes or accessories I like... I usually don't know exactly what I want, until I see it. Or, in the case of a dude, meet him. Yeah, there are a few traits that are a given. He's funny. He's intelligent. A plus if he's witty. He's [my definition of] cute. He has a life of his own. He has goals and works to achieve them. He's open-minded. He has sex drive equivalent to, or higher than my own, but is polite and in no rush. He has an interest in music; whether he makes his own or just listens to it. He has a personality and can hold an interesting conversation.
Niiiice, I sound like a damn want ad.
But everyone... everyone has standards.
Well, unless you're into douchebags.
Then again, you'd still have a standard.
It'd just be extremely low.
Personally, I do prefer the non-douchebags.

We're nose to nose.

So since I've moved to the dorms/
we got wireless at the house,
it's safe to say I've upped the number of songs in my itunes majorly.
But the downfall of convenience:
I don't always listen to everything I get right away.
I heard about Zox this past summer
[when I was looking at all of the bands on Warped Tour]
but I didn't really listen to them
until, well, this weekend.
Good things come to those who procrastinate, apparently.
Not only do they have this fun little reggae undertone,
but they also have great lyrics-
"Caress the rhythm with our feet
We move as one and everyone around can feel the heat
Let's take a step outside
Cause me and you got something we should hide"
It's probably not what most bands would want to hear,
but their lyrics are cute.
Refreshing in the sense that they're neither all negative and depressing,
nor are they so giddy that no one can relate to them
unless they're in that first-week-of-a-new-relationship mode.
Basically, I have a new band-crush.
FINALLY.

Fill these spaces up with days.

It's amazing how much things can change in a year.
And how much they don't.
Last year, I was working at the daycare
and at this point, hating almost every moment of it.
The glory days of the kids-being-cute were over.
I was around people [regardless of how little they were] all day long.
Today, I was lucky enough to encounter more than three people
[that weren't my family].
I got out of the house for the first time in four days.
Sadly, once I was out,
it didn't take long for me to wish I was back in bed.
Something needs to change.
Yes, I know, I know-
I'm the one that has to make that happen.
That does not make it easy or enjoyable.
I'm scared.
It's like I've given up at only 20 years old.
Cole instant messaged me tonight,
asking how my break has been.
It just reminded me of how much I haven't done,
or felt like doing over break [or in general].
I ran into Molly & Stacey at the mall.
That depressed me because I had nothing,
no exciting or good news to tell.
I'm not a fun person.
I wouldn't even want to be friends with me.
I have no drive, no motivation, no hope.
I don't even want to hang out with anyone anymore.
And it's not anything against anyone else.
It's just me.
I keep praying it's temporary,
that this is my own personal version of the Dark Ages.
Misha's sitting here on my lap.
I always find myself burying my face in her fur.
Sometimes, I squeeze her too tight and she lets out a little sigh.
It's like I can never love her enough.
Like I can never be loved enough...

I wanna heal cracks in the sidewalk.

The other night, I was with Jackie and James in Barnes & Noble
and laughing, I picked up a book entitled
"How To Be A Grown-Up"
I joked, "I need this!"
But in all honesty...
I wish there was a manual on how to grow up.
Because I don't seem to be doing a very good job at it.
Maybe it's due to not really experiencing "normal" teenage years
and feeling like I missed out,
but I'm stuck in this really odd position
where I want to be an adult in some regards...
having independence, going out with friends & doing what I want.
When it comes to stuff
like working, paying bills & separating from my family a bit
and forming other new, solid relationships...
yeah- not so much.
It's kind of like thinking about graduating from high school,
when you're in the ninth grade-
you know it'll happen someday,
but it just seems so far away.
And then you get to your senior year,
thinking "what the fuck?! what now?!"
[Or at least, that's how I felt]
I feel completely alone, lost and totally unprepared.
So on top of some other shit,
I have this sudden anxiety about things changing.
I flipped out on my mom this year,
for not doing Christmas stockings on Christmas day.
All because I wanted ONE thing to be the same as it's always been.
Even if it was something as ridiculous as that.
I'm reaching the point,
where soon, I won't be able to depend on my parents.
My brother and I will no longer live in the same house,
not even on breaks.
And I'm not sure why,
but I'm not ready for that.
I don't like the idea of my parents living alone,
just the two of them.
I don't like the idea of me living all alone.
I really don't like the idea
of not having dinner with my parents and Rolin,
except for special occasions.
Call it me being childish, sheltered, whatever you will.
I just know I'm having a really difficult time moving on.

They say that luck can get you anywhere.

Current noise of choice: Cartel - Q
Wtriter's block, much?
Completely.
I just can't think of anything creative lately,
I think school sucked anything
remotely creative right out of me.
I love school, but it was definitely time for a break.
There are some serious plans for some sewing projects
& hanging out with friends while school's out.
I'm not sure why,
but I've been sleeping so weird lately.
I can't stay asleep all night,
even though I'm pretty tired.
AKA like right now.
So I don't watch much television anymore
[except Grey's Anatomy]
but I was with my brother & his friend Josh last night
& we watched the last few minutes of "Miami Ink."
There was this chick who got like a montage of sweets
[i.e. ice cream cone, cupcake, candy]
all alongside her ribcage.
It was def one of the coolest tats I've ever seen.
Anyway, it made me want more tats SO BAD.
I need to refine designs on some of the things I want done.
I've wanted mywave for a couple months,
as well as our "family" tat
but alas, there's no extra money in my life.
Time for a J to the OB.
I'm thinking I want one on the weekends,
or a few days during the week when I get back up to OCC.
Speaking of tats [& piercings]...
I'm totally not down with how I know my family
is going to react to mine.
Last time they saw me,
I had the black hair-
but no tats & only cartilage piercings.
Now compared to a lot of people,
3 tats & a monroe, are nothing.
But for my mom's Catholic, Polish/Slovak, conservative family...
oh, you bet your ass I'm catching some serious hell.
Although, I'll admit- I kind of like when people say stuff now,
it gives us something to debate about ;)

Love, love, love is all around.

I've always been teased about my cooking skills,
or lack thereof.
Alright, I'll admit it-
I can be a total airhead in the kitchen.
I turn on the wrong burner,
stuff boils over,
and yes, I've managed to burn box macaroni & cheese.
But in my defense,
I can be a pretty decent cook when I really focus.
Actually, when I feel up to it,
I really like cooking.
Tonight's one of those nights,
thus I'm making my parents dinner.
Pasta carbonara, garlic bread and of course, wine ;)
I was supposed to go holiday shopping with Diana [the suitemate] tonight,
but the snow out here is ridiculous.
If I attempted to drive to Syracuse and back tonight,
the chances of me dying would be slightly higher than normal.
So plan B is cooking dinner, staying in with the parents,
drinking some hot cocoa and watching some Christmas movies.
And then tomorrow night is when I act like the 20 year old I am
by going to a party with Mari and most likely playing lots of flip cup.

I'd be a liar
if I said this was easy.
because it's honestly torn me apart.
I think if it were just
one single, solitary thing...
it'd be a little less-challenging
to smile.

A queen's just a pawn with a bunch of fancy moves.

last night, I hung out with ashley & jackie.
we went to avicolli's [again!]
and then went to see
the devil wears prada
jackie and I were like "FUTURE HOME!" the whole time.
they are seriously amazing
and just make me feel so good when I'm around them.
I need that so bad right now.
we were going to walk around downtown after,
but I had to go pick rolin up.
I can't help but feel
like I'm burning bridges.
and I'm sorry, I really am.
maybe we're all just changing
and that's the way it has to be.
I'm not regressing and I know
things are meant to happen certain ways,
but I'd be a liar if I said I didn't miss last summer.
rolin was still pretty innocent and generally nice.
ashley, dom & I peed in cornfields
and drank with creepy boys.
I'm not sure what to do because I know
things can never be the same.
so I guess I just deal.
I'm going to LI tomorrow with my mom :)
I have to register for school on thursday
and I'm incredibly excited.
I'm hoping to get a peek
at my dorm room while I'm there,
so I can get a feel for
how much available space I have.
it would be amazing if my mom would let us
go to the city for a bit.
I miss it so much
and I need a vacation.
even if it's less than 24 hours.

Collecting or protecting: Everything in our best interest.

this morning I woke up
to the sun shining.
[which gave me an ounce of hope]
I stumbled downstairs
still feeling kind of sick,
to take my shower before work.
when I walk into the bathroom,
I find a little coin
on top of the washer that says
"take one day at a time"
& "this is the day the lord has made
let us rejoice and be glad"
underneath the coin, is a note from my father.
telling me how much he loves me
and that he knows I can get through anything.
then, on the kitchen table,
my mother left me a fortune-cookie fortune:
"yesterday was a dare to struggle;
today is a dare to win"
as I took my shower, I smiled.
at the simple fact that
even if my world is crashing down
and everything else around me is failing,
or I myself am failing...
I will always,
always
have my family.

The price you pay for loss of control.

where does one go,
when they feel they have no where to turn?
I think I had an anxiety attack today at work.
I'm not sure what it is,
but I'm not able to handle certain situations right now.
everyone tells me not to worry so much
about myself, about my insecurities.
but then everyone also tells me
not to worry so much about everyone else's problems.
inevitably, you're living for yourself.
but I'm unable to detach myself from everyone
so that their problems stay their own.
and then I have no one to turn to
because I'm so busy trying to help everyone else.
and I usually end up letting them down anyway.
I cannot do this anymore.
I give up for right now.
I can't be strong for anyone else,
when I can't even be strong for myself...

This is a sticky situation.

some nicotine does my emotions good,
just every once in awhile.

so does some ashleymk<3
I had so much fun with her tonight.
avicolli's, looking at pieces, the mall,
random budapest chicks
using ashley's cell for 1073974 hours,
flurries in paper cups, teaosk, new clothes,
spending way too much money,
realizing just how large sports authority is,
& much talk of warped tour.
seeing gabby yesterday was amazing as well-

red lobster, a spur-of-the-moment target outing,
cute new clothes/sneakers,
trying on shoes we'd never actually wear,
& swimming in 88 degree pool water.
it's nice to actually enjoy people's company.
I've been so irritable,
I haven't wanted to be around anyone...
so I'm glad that phase is a short one.
drama doesn't follow me, it rides on my back
tomorrow, I have to work on
college stuff with my mother.
I'm definitely not looking forward to it.
we've been fighting so much lately,
I can't take it anymore.
I've been good about not saying this,
or even really wanting to right away,
but I'm getting to the point where
I just want to go to school.
maybe I've stuck around far too long,
and that's why I feel such a strong need to leave.
the past week or so has been really difficult.
and in a way, I think that's good because that means
otherwise, things have been pretty great.

[makeup makes me happy]
I'm just ready for some changes.
it's the halfway point...
there's still a month and a half left.
and while I know there's a lot of work to be done,
I intend to start making the most of things now.

[and making a ton of new shirts ;]
♥

I've been trying my whole life.

I know everyone has times
when someone will say
"oh you look so cute!"
and you'll think
"who? ME?"
so I know I'm not totally alone in this feeling.
but day after day, it gets old.
do most girls really feel this way?
or do many of them do what I've tried to lately?
which is to just ignore that annoying voice
in the back of your head
that keeps going
your shoes don't match
that girl has a way cuter body than you
your hair is flat
like do people actually genuinely like themselves
or do they just not think about it?
funny how it's such an unknown concept for me.
I don't know,
I'll probably get it right.
maybe even in the near future.

I just keep hoping...

this was meant to happen. everything happens for a reason. it will be okay. you did nothing wrong. you will be alright. things will work themselves out.
I keep repeating these lines over and over to myself.
but it sure is a whole lot easier to believe
those phrases when you don't feel like crying.
and you're probably wondering why I'm so upset.
I had my first day of work today.
I work on commission only,
due to it being such a high-end item
and whatever.
I sold nothing today.
I worked ten hours straight
with a ten minute break at the most.
if I had gotten paid for today-
I would LOVE this job.
but I don't,
so I don't.
and I know it's my first day but I'm sorry
that I'm not really sorry-
I have a right to be upset at the moment.
I just feel so defeated.
I can't even describe it,
or maybe I'm just too tired.

Something genuine and unprepared.

this college loan thing is getting ridiculous.
I know I'll miss my parents when I go,
but I'm pretty sure I'll be ready
to leave by the time I have to.
they are driving me crazy.
I went to barnes & noble
and panera with dom last night.
I read some of her writing-
she has potential to be a really successful writer.
hopefully, I do too :)
I talked to her about wanting to get back
into writing songs and playing guitar again.
I'm uploading pictures from dom's birthday party
and there's almost 100 photos!
that many + dial-up = FOREVER to upload
the party was awesome,
though I did drink a bit too much.
I'm just glad I got to see my loves all together.
I've been working on stenciling shirts

and a few different sewing projects.
hopefully, I can get an e-bay store
at some point and maybe earn some extra money.
plus, how cool would it be
to see someone else wearing something I made?

rolin graduated last friday.
I couldn't be more proud of my baby brother.
I just know he's going to do so well at albany.
even if I do worry like crazy about him.

I'll send an SOS to the world.

I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle...
[the police]

it's funny how over time,
you forget the sting
of certain things or people or situations.
looking back two years ago,
I was friends with what would later become
some toxic people.
and I got over it.
last year, I got over him.
this year, I'm getting over another him.
I think it was my friend james' myspace that says
"everything is easier in retrospect."
as much as things can suck at any given time,
it will always seem much less severe in a few weeks
and eventually,
it may not matter at all.
I suppose this is a note to self:
everything happens for a reason
and you'll be fine.

so stop whining.
♥

Put the petals in their place.

I deleted the last post.
I have posts where I'm upset and whatever,
but that one was way worse.
while anger/frustration/all that stuff
are completely normal for us human beings,
I guess I don't want to be seen as an angry girl.

[I like to pop packaging bubbles when upset]
I don't even save aim conversations-
no matter how much I may want to remember
verbatim, what was said.
because why would I want to live in the past?
anyway, my brain doesn't seem to be functioning
super well tonight, so this is going to be quick.
I went to lunch and a movie with dominique & gabby
for dom's b-day today.
[ashley & jackie couldn't come:( ]
I miss those two and I hope I get to see them SOON.
we went to johnny rocket's-
seriously, try the chocolate peanut butter shake,
it's AMAZING.
then we went to see
nacho libre
and it was hilarious.
on the way home,
dom was telling me some inside stuff
on thursday's lyrics.
it amazes me the symbolism he uses.
and it's something I need to learn how to use when writing,
as opposed to giving the reader
everything on a neat little platter.
I'm going through pics on my camera
and I realized I never posted some pics I have
nor did I write about when I went to see steve's show,
theAudition/my american heart/lorene drive show,
the little party at my house,
the beach with diana, james & julia, etc.
so in conclusion,
I've been terrible with this journal
and that means some back entries will be posted
to make up for it :)

5
4
3
2
what are you waiting for?
[thursday]

So this is the difference between living and not living.

these are just bodies
[minus the bear]

once again, I did pretty much nothing during the day.
this kind of life is getting old.
I love hanging out with my family and my girls,
but it's almost like I need some work
to make the fun stuff even more rewarding.
right now, I feel sort of like I'm cheating.
and I'm not down with that.
anyway, I got myself all cute-
wore this cute new green dress,
pretty makeup, etc.
then I met up with dom & gabby.
I drew up some dragonfly ideas
for dom's next tat
and she made an appointment at halo.
then we ate way too much food at olive garden.
after that, we picked up jackie
and went to see
the omen.
which...
OMFG.
SO FUCKING SCARY.
seriously, I wanted to say the our father
all throughout the movie.
afterwards, I felt like going to church.
"the devil likes peanut butter and jelly"
but yeah, the girls are amazing.
they're what is keeping me going right now.
tiny sidenote: ace hardware is hiring!
so cross your fucking fingers
cos this girl needs a job.
also, as much as I'd like male company...
lately it's not a huge deal.
yes, I would like someone
but I'm not going to settle
and I don't feel like having
to deal with anything less than what I want.
there's things I want way more than some guy right now.
like right this second: sleep.

My heart is in motion.

I'm so happy for all of my friends.
I really, honestly, truly am.
I want nothing but the best
and absolute happiness for all of them.
but I'd be a total liar,
if I said I didn't feel
a bit left out at times.
like when I see people kissing
or hear them talk about
being with the person they care about,
it's so foreign to me.
I hate that I have no idea what it's like.
I want to know how it feels, firsthand.
it probably wouldn't even matter nearly as much
if there wasn't someone particular I had in mind.
and it isn't anyone's fault,
not even my own...
it's just one of those situations
that sucks to be in,
but will most likely pass eventually.
I'll probably experience an actual relationship
with someone that has mutual feelings
at some point in the next few years.
it's just such a drag,
finally having feelings for someone,
realizing there's actually a specific person
that I'd like to be with-
and having to accept that most likely,
nothing will come of it.
I know, I know...
I seem so depressing lately
and I apologize.
it's just kind of difficult,
but I'm sure I'll be fine soon.

what has love become?
[copeland]

Green light says go.

this weather has been incredible.
I only wish our pool was open.
then again, it'll make it
that much sweeter once it is.
today, I went to look for a job at carousel [yet again].
I ended up running into this guy
I hung out with a couple times last summer.
not going to lie, he looked really cute.
and we might hang out sometime ;)
I went to see
Over The Hedge
with gabby, meagan and julie.

it was really super cute!
gabby kept saying she wanted a squirrel.
after that, I went to the gym
and ran for a bit,
which felt so good.
I finally ordered my ticket
for the show friday, too.
I think I'm heading to bed early tonight.
I really hope I find a job soon.
this not-having-money thing
is getting absolutely ridiculous
and my mother is on my case non-stop.
some serious change better be in order...

Tell me that you're alright.

I'm not sure how to start this. these past couple of days have been... somewhat life-altering in the sense that, I don't see how things could totally stay the same as they were prior to them. even if it is on a smaller scale. tonight, I realized just how close I was to losing two of my best friends a few weeks ago. listening to dominique and gabby describe the most terrifying experience they've ever gone through... I couldn't help but start to cry a little, wondering what if? what if dominique's cousin hadn't been there to protect her? what if any of them had been left in critical condition or even killed? I tend to get upset at times, feeling sorry for myself over what I lack- but I don't take into consideration enough that some of the things I love so much could be gone in an instant. yes, I will admit, I do take my family & friends for granted. most of the time, I believe they'll always be there in the end. and I guess I don't like to think about it because I'm so emotional, it upsets me too much to... but if I were to lose anyone I love... I honestly cannot even put into words what I would do or say or how I would feel. and I prefer to think of myself as a decent writer.
I guess what my point is,
I love you guys.

Everyone's going to the party tonight cos they all know she's gonna be there.

I've been listening to
gym class heroes

&
madison
non-stop.
and as mainstream as it may be,
I've fallen asleep to teddy geiger's
"for you I will (confidence)"
the past couple nights.
I have the acoustic version, of course.
some of today's to-do list is finished:
·sweep deck
·laundry
·fold clothes
· clean bathroom
·vaccuum
·more laundry
and now I think I'm taking a quick nap
before I go to the mall to pay my bill for

and probably pick up a new hoodie.
then... well, I'm pretty sure I have plans ;)
♥

and if I'm nervous, I won't show it.
my words still come out right.
[madison]

...oh god, I hope so.

A million things that I could say to you.

stars that I still see from the times
that you made me so sick
so cold
so alone
that I can break with just one push of your tongue.
[my american heart]

well, I'm pretty sure this is called living. I think this is what I asked for. because this is what life is, right? your stomache in knots, your nerves crossed, your mind un-made... CONFLICT. confusion, loss, possibilities, fear, the unknown, hope, having options for once. this has to be it because instead of emptiness, it's all of these other things filling me up inside. so it's not quite what I expected. but I guess it's a start. and maybe it'll vanish tomorrow. I just know... I'm not used to this. and maybe I'm still standing on the edge of something big. maybe I've been hoping and praying for something to be shoved in front of me, when it's actually not all that amazing at first. but it will be. I constantly let myself down by setting my expectations so high, there's no way they will ever be met. I guess I have to start realizing life is not perfect. it never has been, nor will be. I've put "happiness" on a pedestal. like it's something I would never obtain because it was too pure to touch someone as imperfect as me. I'm not happy right now... but maybe this lack of emptiness is a start.
maybe this is the start.

Such a sucker for a head case.

for about the past year and a half, I have had to deal with a brain that thinks too many thoughts at once. so many, in fact, that I have trouble focusing on one specific subject. Maybe that's why I like watching movies- they force me to focus, but are interesting enough to still keep my attention. I have also lived in almost complete self-loathing, every single day. up until now, I've tried so hard to keep that on the down-low because who the hell wants to be around someone who doesn't like themself? I act cheerful and upbeat when first meeting people, but it's usually just that- an ACT. I'm sick of it. when am I going to be able to really live? do I get to actually genuinely experience that cheerful feeling? to feel like I have a purpose, and I keep praying to god that purpose is NOT just to make others glad they're not me. someone proposed the idea that maybe I'm afraid to actually live. sadly, I think she may be right. I constantly sabotage myself. I create my own hell most of the time. but how do you break that, after almost a decade? let's face it- I don't know how to be happy. as much as I'd love to say this is probably just a bad mood and I shouldn't even be posting this for everyone to see... I can't back that one hundred percent. truth is, a few weeks ago, I thought I was getting it. I thought that happiness was not totally out of my reach. I was motivated and doing stuff that was good for me. but here I am again, a place that is all too familiar and ridiculously old. hopeless. like this will never end and this is my life, forever.
and for anyone that would like to tell me that I have to make things happen and that this is all my fault, just... fuck you. for someone to tell me that I don't try every single goddamn day, it's just not true.
at this moment though, I'm unable to fight. I'm not strong enough. I'm breaking down again and just praying for some way out of this mess.

I'll make your darkest day so bright.

and so once again,
I'm not sure what to say.
it seems like the busier my life-
the less I write.
honestly, it shouldn't be like that.
not for a writer, anyway.
I dyed/bleached my hair.
[black underneath/bleach on top]
I'm still kind of unsure about it.

more exciting-
my daddy bought me the pink razor!
I hated my other new phone,
and the razors went on sale...
soooo, he bought me a new one<3

I swear,
I'll write something profound next time.

not as nice as your bouquet.

it was definitely spring today.
I was walking out of the gym
after a nice workout,
stepped out on the sidewalk.
there were chalk drawings all over
from the elementary school kids.
I had to step over a water hose.
I was listening to the rocket summer
as I started my car
and when I rolled down the windows,
I just smiled.
it was one of those moments,
the reason, I'm not sure,
but it was a moment I would have liked
to put in a little bottle.

I used to rely on self-medication.

I guess I still do that from time to time
I haven't written in awhile,
so I figured I should probably update.
it would have been easy to write
yesterday... since I was miserable,
but I guess that I have this fear
of really, truly showing people how I feel sometimes.
I suppose I often feel I have so few people in my life,
I don't want to lose those I do have.
anyway, monday I started eating healthier
and I'm sticking to it this time.
I went grocery shopping for my mom tonight
and I was looking at labels and stuff.
it's nice to feel some sense of accomplishment
and self-discipline for once.
even if it is only for a few minutes or so.
and oh my, UB40 just came up on my ipod!
I'm incredibly excited.
ooh, baby I love your little way
they remind me so much of summer nights,
drinking with some friends
around a campfire on the beach.
[not that I've ever done it, but it's on my to-do list]

my heart is on my sleeve

[or in this case on the back of my sweater]

and I just found out my parents

are buying me a different phone!

I really don't like the one they got me

[it was one of those free ones]

and I guess the razor phones are on sale now,

so my dad said they'd get me one :)

wow, I'm drawing such a blank right now.
I guess I'm in the mood to actually just do something
not just think or write about it.
in fact, I'm going to go attempt to work on a song or two.

things are changing-

I can feel it

You've got a cute little skull.

last night, rolin and I went to a show
at the ucf on westcott st.
we didn't know it was a ska show
until we got there
and sure enough, there were a bunch of kids
doing that goofy dancing.
it was nice to see the boys play again though.
they got a new bassist, too.
I really liked their new stuff.
mikey said they'll have
a new cd out next month or so :)

mikey & nick.
♥
the weather today was so nice!
I had a random burst of energy
and quickly decided I was up
for taking the very dangerous trek
to the top of the barn,
to get all of my sandals.
once I was up there,
I realized there was no way
I could carry all of them in my arms.
so I made a makeshift bag
out of one of my curtains
that conviently happened
to be in the same box.
and all the while,
I was rocking out to damone on my ipod ;)

and then I decided to play
with my dogs in the grass.
cos ummm, they're super cute
and I love them.

ginger marie<3

misha noelle<3

there's these really pretty flowers
growing in front of the barn.
so I thought I'd take a picture.
oh, and the trees are starting to get leaves on them.
which means...
summer is on it's way!

now I know it's hard to be
something that you don't think you are

but it's hard for me to even try to understand
why you are beating your own heart

[the rocket summer]

Warden's calling for a lockdown, baby!

I promised I'd post the very few pictures I have

from the party last friday,

so here they are :)
it was definitely one of the most interesting nights

that I've had in a long time.
I realized that:
1) I need to get out more often,
2) there aren't as many scene kids out there as it seems sometimes,
and 3) some people will always do really dumb things.

awww, so cute! jackie & tom sleeping.

jess & angela.

steph & rolin: post-party drama.

ashley & her puppy maya.

chris & his vodka.

admit it, you're jealous because we're so awesome.
♥

And it takes more time than I've ever had.

I should be going to bed right this minute- I have to get up early to take my mother to work in the morning, otherwise I'm stuck without a car again. and it seems silly to be out that way and not run the necessary errands I've been unable to. but I can't sleep just yet. I keep seeing that bulletin about that 17 year old girl from washington that was murdered. and I know, I'm ridiculous- "you didn't know her AT ALL" but sometimes things just hit you. it seems ludacris that I'm over here hating myself, hating things I do technically have the power to change, when there's someone out there that had their life cut so short. I get so impatient, so unwilling to wait for anything and I'm constantly feeling like my life has yet to begin. I realize most of that is my fault. and that's probably why I feel so guilty right now. here I am, I have this life that I can change, mold into almost anything I want if I really try and I'm complaining? I'm pretty sure bayside had it right: I hate myself for hating myself. enough is enough already. yes, I know I'm going to have bad days and I refuse to apologize for that- I'm human. everyone has bad days, flaws and even occasionally experiences self-pity. I just tend to be more vocal than some.
but seeing someone that was truly living, have their life just ripped from them... it's just not fair of me to continue to waste what I have.

In the centerfolds of your memory.

you will not be gone- not completely. a tendency to tap out the one loose brick, and a freshly-constructed fortress collapses yet again. child-like, it's back to shaking, sobbing, fearfully placing brick and block upon memory. anything for protection.

-----

this is it. no more questions, accusations, rhymes, riddles. accptance that this won't come quick. he'll be "longing for 'us'" over 200 miles away.

-----

this year's winter brought to you by: the cold, the broken, and the half-truths. no defined fabrications. but omission of information is simply one step to a lie. and simply, I don't have the time.

-----

can you still hear the sighs?

when you're grasping and gasping

and having trouble breathing your own oxygen-

is it my voice that resounds

in the centerfolds of your memory?

and once you've crossed that finish,

do you place all thoughts of me

back in your nightstand?

we never quite happened,

but oh my dear

I'm sure I came-

I came close

to getting under your skin

only without pressing so hard against your flesh.

[fyi: I'm using blue now, instead of green for what I write instead]

You're too young to be this empty girl.

disclaimer: this entry is a bit random, for I'm feeling quite tired. I have many things running through my mind and not enough ambition to organize my thoughts in a pretty little package.

I can't help but think that it would be nice to be able to choose to have an evening alone, instead of being confined to it. yes, I suppose for arguements' sake, I could really have some company if I merely requested it.

but I'm tired of requesting.

of being the one to make the call.

to be politically correct, I guess this is chosen.

I was eating dinner with my parents tonight, carrying on a conversation about how last night at the party [which I will post a couple pictures of later], in a roundabout way, I recieved a nice compliment from a taken, but attractive male. my father chuckled at my response to the compliment [complete awe] and said to my mother "just wait until she goes to school- she won't know what to do with herself, she'll be meeting so many people and will hear things like that all the time." I had to laugh, but I honestly hope to god he's right. I hate to think of another year of my life as next to wasted. I know, "but you've learned and grown so much as a person, renee!" well, fuck, I'm sick of learning things like this:

don't be naive.

don't let anyone use you, you're better than that.

think before you buy something on impulse.

don't get caught up in gossip.

you have many, many flaws.

when do I get to learn what it feels like to do something as simple as hold hands with someone that truly mutually wants you? or maybe, what it's like to be completely satisfied with yourself in a room full of highly attractive and interesting people? those are some experiences I'd like to rough it through. I won't lie though, I can tell things are getting better. but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to some bad nights. fuck, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm just lonely and wish I had some company right now.

a hug would be nice, too.

I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world.

Don't call me peanut.

last friday, dominique & I decided to take brooklyn, ginger & misha to the park, despite not so awesome weather.

luckily, it didn't rain much while we were there. our poor dogs were so scared cos there was at least five other dogs there, all the same size or bigger than brooklyn. I've never seen ginger so freaked out! but as soon as we were in the car again, they both fell asleep.

[fyi: misha is mid-yawn]

then later that night we went to mandi's house with kalvin, chad & dan. dom and I played beer pong against dan & kalvin. we lost, but it was thisclose of a game, I swear!

dom, gabby, mandi & myself had some "girl talk" out on the front porch with our beers. it was so nice to just talk and hang out. by the time we left, chad was so drunk... he shouted along with panic! at the disco and tenacious D all the way home. I actually got some of it on video ;)

my mom left rolin and I our easter chocolate on the table yesterday. rolin decided to politically-correct his:

[he took off the ribbon and gave it a mohawk!]

sometimes, that kid kills me.

yesterday, jackie gave me a bunch of clothes [!!!] and a pair of vans that are two sizes too big, but are supercute anyhow!

come onnn, they're skate shoes- they're supposed to be huge.

Your most obvious weakness.

a late night again, still unchosen- this lack of dreams. finding it more difficult to sleep after the sky darkens. with no "sunset" to conclude these days: evening never fully arrives and while your pulse , it is slowed for a bit- eyelids heavied... I wonder how you're okay, without me
♥

tomorrow, it starts.

I will be forcing myself to do some of the things

I need to do, in order to ever be happy.

i.e. working out, eating right,

not sleeping my life away.

it's not going to be fun.

but hopefully, it'll be worth it.

I'm so sick of

this pseudo life I've been living.

I've relied too much on others

to make me happy, for too long

and I see that clearly now.

and here comes the hard part:

doing this on my own.

my mom told me tonight

that I should stop looking for happiness,

that it will find me.

I sure hope it finds me soon...

FYI: everything I've originally composed,

be it poetry, lyrics or just random lines,

will always be written in green.

love, it's the wave I ride.

what you do to me, well even the writer in me cannot do this
justice. though I do know prior conversations have never been this laced with
the words "amazing" and "incredible." five million adjectives could never
suffice, nor come close to what you are. no one has ever heard me... but you
did. and like it or not, I'm attached. and to put it simply, there's no room to
go back. which works for the best... because I'm deeply in love with these
moments and anticipate the next.

it makes me sad

that those words don't really matter.

that I won't be writing any more sweet prose

in the near future.

that I won't get to feel what it's like to be wanted

by someone I truly want for once anyway.

sometimes, I wish I could shut down certain parts of me.
like wouldn't things be so much easier
if our hearts had an OFF switch?
when things got to be too much,
we could simply shut down
until things had passed.
I'm so good at giving advice
and equally as bad at taking the advice
I give so well to others.
I know this is life.
I realize there must be a down,
for an up to exist.
but I'm waiting for my up to come soon
because this down is less than productive.

not to mention, it makes me do this:

and while I'm sure some of you may find that cute,

I prefer to smile.

I must say, it's a nice day.

busy day today!

I have to shower & clean my room.

dominique is coming to visit for a bit<333

then I have to play chaffeur to my bro-in-law.

and thennn, I'm spending the night hanging out with

jkratz & diana.

this is them last night at el mall:


we went and bugged rolin at work.


and I got a new cellphone cover.
it reminds me of the
long-lost blue power ranger for some reason.

with the flowers in bloom,

there is so much to view from the freeway.

this is a lesson in procrastination.

I am terrible with time.
I waste it
like it is my job.
this is me stalling,
not wanting to clean my room,
not wanting to do the dishes,
not wanting to do the things I need to do
in order to go play.
and yet despite the work it will bring,
I cannot wait to go back to school!



I get to see this girl today.
something else I can't wait for!

after all,

she is the EBONY to my IVORY.

to give you something to go on.

diana and I hung out monday.

we went to the mall, got something to eat.

I exchanged some underwear,

while diana indulged her inner-kleptomania.

then we went to the park

due to the BEAUTIFUL weather

and took some amazing pictures, like so...

we got lost downtown,

trying to find the roji tea lounge.

after finding it,

we had some tea

[I had lychee, she had mango]

while sitting on some cute little mats

and just talked

[topics: jesse, steve, relationships, little teacups, syracuse, opportunities]

the night's soundtrack included:

hot hot heat [obviously]

the audition

grace like gravity

flyleaf

the cure

melee

&

nightmare of you.

best friends are made by days like this.

maybe there's a bit of me waiting for a bit of you, baby.

she means the world to me.

this is my misha noelle.
she never plays with toys.
any dog toy I've bought her, she played with it

for about five minutes & then ignored it.
I spotted her chewing on something.
turns out, she digs clothes-pins.

these are the words you wish you wrote down.

I needed somewhere to write my thoughts.
somewhere not as open as myspace,
but not as secret as my paper journals.

so here it is.